


thoughts of mine

by Still_sleepless



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Changing Tenses, Character Study, Confessions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Canon, Secrets, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:55:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24045496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Still_sleepless/pseuds/Still_sleepless
Summary: He was Jeno. No expectations, no aspirations, no wings that failed to set into flight.And Renjun was Renjun, sketching away studiously, light strokes of lead and steady breathing the only indicator that he was even really there. Yet, somehow it was all Jeno needed to feel okay.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, implied
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	thoughts of mine

**Author's Note:**

> guess who's back with another oneshot despite having 10 WIPs???
> 
> Yup. It's me.
> 
> I was meant to update something else today but then I found myself thinking about how well Renjun and Jeno's personalities mesh and this was born haha. From my track record nobody would ever guess that I'm actually more of a nomin shipper but oh well-

It was the silence that drew them together. In a world that's always moving, brash and colourful and aching, there's often no time for reprieve - nor is it expected of them to even want a reprieve.

So, when Renjun first entered his life, Jeno was taken aback because he did so with careful, measured steps. Nothing overtly clumsy or loud seemed to cling to him.

Renjun was completely sure of himself even when he didn't have any perceivable reason to be. He was different in a way that made Jeno curious. He wasn't clingy like Jaemin or liable to burst ears like Donghyuck. He didn't even have the stumbling sort of foolish affection that Mark tried so hard to hide.

It wasn't for lack of wanting to make friends, either. Renjun was extroverted enough and spoke but every word had purpose and every syllable had meaning, like he had never wasted a second of his life and wouldn't start trying then. Jeno was hooked, really, a moth to a flame that hadn't even begun to burn.

It came to a head a few weeks in, Jeno hiding in a practice room from their vocal teacher, only wanting to be alone with himself, a thousand texts lighting up his phone with varying degrees of urgency. Renjun had come in and took one look at him before settling down on the floor opposite and popping open his sketch book with the blase kind of nonchalance that Jeno craved - still craves.

They existed at the moment in each other spaces but also in totally different planes, silence filling Jeno up and ballooning until it was all he could see/breathe/be. Everything outside of the practice room disappeared and Jeno was no longer a tired trainee. He wasn't even the teen son that disappointed his parents by choosing a life of dreaming. He just _was_ -

Jeno. 

He was Jeno. No expectations, no aspirations, no wings that failed to set into flight.

And Renjun was Renjun, sketching away studiously, light strokes of lead and steady breathing the only indicator that he was even really there. Yet, somehow it was all Jeno needed to feel okay.

When his phone buzzed again - a worried paragraph from Jaemin - Jeno almost smiled before gathering himself up and walking back out of the practice room, in search of his teacher, with an apology already forming on his tongue. As the door swung short, he heard a tinkling laugh from inside, short and muffled and at that he did smile.

  
It was okay, in the end. Jeno had nothing to be worried about, the teacher already having forgotten about his mistake that seemed so severe at the time, voice breaking across two octaves - lungs burning as he reached for the impossible.

He did get _ambushed_ by Mark and Jaemin, both of them ragged from looking for him, Jaemin on the edge of raging and about to storm into the staffroom to demand " _Justice_!" for his " _Best Friend_!" as if Jeno was a fallen solider wronged in battle, and not just an inexperienced trainee with a weak heart. 

It made him laugh though, their indignation, loud and long - lungs once again burning from a lack of air, tears brought to his eyes. Yeah, they might be noisy and awkward and foolish but they're _his_ and suddenly Jeno was having to battle against the swelling of affection that was growing unbidden in his chest. He laughed even harder to hide the emotions that were rumbling like a faulty engine that wouldn't _shuttup_. 

He received a prompt smack on the back of his head, Mark tutting like their old English tutor. " _This isn't a laughing matter, Jeno. Donghyuck is already infiltrating the enemy hideout."_ This stopped the laughter but didn't stop the grin spreading across his face, an uncontrollable reaction to the love that was being displayed in front of him; albeit in an odd way.

The great _staffroom heist of winter, 2015_ ended in great victory. That is, until Jisung was dragged out by his ears, their Mandarin tutor red in the face from unbridled irritation. They all quickly abandoned ship, dispersing before they - too - were caught; friendship be damned.

Jeno made sure to apply ointment to him in the dorms that night, whispering _thanks_ like a prayer before they all erupted into laughter as they recalled the horrified expressions of the staff at _all that whipped cream_ , their vocal teacher exclaiming " _how is it on the ceiling?_ " before Donghyuck's snickers gave their position away.

When Renjun sits besides him on one of the bunks, only reaching out to ruffle Jisung's hair, Jeno thinks that he might choke, the dim light of the lamps casting Renjun's profile in shadow and obscuring the grains of his eyes. That is, until, he laughs, that same familiar tinkling from earlier on in the day but more solid this time, somehow more _true_. No longer a distant mirage but something tangible. The laugh was provoked by something Chenle said, a silly pun that had Renjun standing before going over to pinch his cheeks and Jeno felt affection in his chest all over again except he doesn't try and stifle it. He lets it grow.

Nobody sleeps that night, a moment in history that will be retold for years to come, something that etched out their identities in a simple, unchangeable way.

Jeno doesn't believe in fate.

Predestination is a story for people who can afford to pretend, a fallback for those who haven't had to take the risks that he has. The present isn't something that has fallen into Jeno's lap. It's something that he's fought for. Every fortune and misfortune has felt _utterly_ real because they're products of him, his essence leaking through into every possible version of reality and unreality that there is. This is _Jeno's_ life and he's thankful for every second of it and he's grateful - not to the universe or to any god - but to himself for sticking it out for this long.

This is what Jeno thinks. His principles are strong. But in this moment, he wishes that destiny was a thing that would lead him in the right direction. _Just one little push?_ He throws out into the psychic abyss, hoping that some being would take pity on him.

Seconds pass, an ominous resignation dawning on him.

_No? Fine. I can do this by myself._

This is a genuine assertion and so Jeno marches into their practice room, arms swinging and chest puffed out with all the bravado an idiot seventeen year old can muster before his breath falters and his heart stops. Renjun is sweaty and tired looking, old tshirt clinging to the damp curves of his shoulders but his eyes are sharp and his dance moves are even sharper, _Go_ thuds through their skin with a hard bass that speaks of success and hopeful music show wins and Jeno is _enraptured_ , even moreso than all those years ago, silence stretching out like a river that he could happily drown in.

It's not years ago, though and Renjun grins when he spots him and that grin is all Jeno needs to be brave, one moment of bravery that shoots through his blood - stronger than adrenaline or any drug. 

So, he waves his hands and gestures for Renjun to come over. Renjun senses his gist and cuts the music before ambling over, as light as air and as sweet as any flower, confidence exuding from him even as his eyes search Jeno for any hint as to what's happening. 

It comes out quickly, feelings needing years to be pent up but only needing seconds to be dispelled.

"Renjun, I need to tell you something." _This is it_. Jeno feels a fluttering in his stomach, clutching at his sleeves to settle his nerves, watching the slight curve of the ceiling before continuing. "I've been thinking-" the confession flows like an open tide, saltwater ebbing and flowing and Jeno only continues because of Renjun's presence, his cheeks full from an unrepressed smile that Jeno tries to burn into his memory - familiar quiet warming up his mind and reminding him of all the right things to say. Maybe destiny isn't real but he doesn't need destiny when he has this.

Jaemin sits unnoticed in the corner and watches - always watching. He feels happiness at the way things unveil and ignores the part of him that says he's tragic. He'll let himself feel that later, in the darkness of his room, away from the love that's palpable before him.

These thoughts of his will keep him up all night. 

_So be it._ Jaemin decides with a determined nod of the head before he sidles out of the room - silence follows.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I'm sorry if the end seems weird/rushed. I was trying for a certain style but I'm not sure it came across well. Leave a comment if you can! I'd love to know your thoughts xx


End file.
